Queer! Jew! Anomaly? No.
May. 10th, 2012 05:29 pmI was having dinner with a self-described half-arsed Anglican white friend a few months back. Lesbians occurred to her for some reason, I don't remember why. What I don't forget is that she burst into laughter over the totally impossible imagining that I myself might be a lesbian. 'A Jewish lesbian!' The funniest thing ever.
I never had a conflict between my faith and my sexuality. There is no choose-between-these, no splitting of my soul. I am twice blessed. I love rainbows because I'm super queer and because I super love Hashem who will never bring such a flood upon humanity again. I'm lucky enough to live in Australia, where I can get married under a chuppah, where I could be out and proud in Jewish community groups if I wanted to. (I'm not, because I don't think the contents of my heart are public property.) I might be the only Ortho girl doing it*, but I would be safe and happy and have loads of support. I am fierce and engaged, and I love talking about Rashi's opinions on ladysex because they are hilarious.
My problem, when it comes to loving Hashem and women both, comes from gentiles. It's from queers who can't understand that queers of faith can be happy. It's from people in general who think that only one thing can be "different" about you, that it's inconceivable to be all the things I am. It's how some people think who I am sounds like a punchline. This is why I tend to be out about one thing or the other (not that my Jewishness is inevitably something I can elect to hide), because supposedly both is too weird, and because I am sick of my existing being a thing that blows people's minds.
I don't want anything taken away from me, I want it all, and I want to be seen as a person, no matter where I go or who I'm with.
*Hanging out with the Jewish queers can get a bit awkward. I feel like the Ortho unicorn sometimes. I know there are others, but I haven't been in the same room as the only out Ortho queer girl around here I know of since we were about six.
I never had a conflict between my faith and my sexuality. There is no choose-between-these, no splitting of my soul. I am twice blessed. I love rainbows because I'm super queer and because I super love Hashem who will never bring such a flood upon humanity again. I'm lucky enough to live in Australia, where I can get married under a chuppah, where I could be out and proud in Jewish community groups if I wanted to. (I'm not, because I don't think the contents of my heart are public property.) I might be the only Ortho girl doing it*, but I would be safe and happy and have loads of support. I am fierce and engaged, and I love talking about Rashi's opinions on ladysex because they are hilarious.
My problem, when it comes to loving Hashem and women both, comes from gentiles. It's from queers who can't understand that queers of faith can be happy. It's from people in general who think that only one thing can be "different" about you, that it's inconceivable to be all the things I am. It's how some people think who I am sounds like a punchline. This is why I tend to be out about one thing or the other (not that my Jewishness is inevitably something I can elect to hide), because supposedly both is too weird, and because I am sick of my existing being a thing that blows people's minds.
I don't want anything taken away from me, I want it all, and I want to be seen as a person, no matter where I go or who I'm with.
*Hanging out with the Jewish queers can get a bit awkward. I feel like the Ortho unicorn sometimes. I know there are others, but I haven't been in the same room as the only out Ortho queer girl around here I know of since we were about six.